I Am The Winner, Not Them

You know what nobody really talks about? The kind of depression that lets you function.

The kind where you're showing up. You're getting dressed, taking pictures and posting highlights. You're laughing at jokes and being the friend people actually want around. You're being a good daughter, a good sister, a good partner, a good colleague. You're going to the gym and doing your skincare routine like clockwork. You're checking every box society says you're supposed to check.

And somehow, nobody realizes you’re falling apart, not even you. 

I’ve been there for months. I was functioning so well that I almost convinced myself nothing was wrong. I'd wake up and go like I was on autopilot,  just moving through the day and performing a role I'd memorized too well. Get dressed. Show up. Do the work. Smile.

And the weird part? It actually worked. Or so I thought 

But inside, there was this black hole. A literal void that no amount of productivity, self care, reading at 2am or time with people could fill.

The sadness would hit me out of nowhere, sudden and suffocating. I'd be fine one second and then boom - out of nowhere, my chest would feel so heavy. I couldn’t explain it.

I’d be crying myself to sleep for absolutely no reason I could put into words. And it wasn’t the cute crying either. It was the exhausting kind where you’re tired, sad and you just let it happen because you don't have the energy to fight it anymore.

The thoughts were relentless. Overwhelming emotions about things I couldn't control. “Am I doing anything right? Is this enough?”  Like my brain was on this loop of “what ifs”. Then, maybe on a Tuesday morning, a brief moment of hope would flash through and I'd think, “today will be different” only to have it fade by noon. But I kept hoping anyway. 

Through it all, I’ve had to be fine because the world doesn't pause for your mental breakdown. My job didn’t care. Family had their own stuff going on.  So I'd put on the face, show up for everyone else, and then come home and just…sit with it. Alone with the sadness. 

Here's the thing though, and I’m being honest - NOBODY was coming to rescue me. Not really. My friends could hold my hand, my family could check in, and all of that mattered, truly. But they could only go so far. At the end of the day, I had to be the one to pull myself out. Nobody else would do that work. Only me. 

And that was actually terrifying and freeing at the same time. Because it meant I couldn’t wait for things to magically get better. I couldn’t wait for the right moment. I had to decide I was going to be okay again. That I was the one who got to win, not the depression, not the voice in my head telling me I’m failing. 

And it's lonely sometimes, that realization. Because it means you can't wait for someone else to fix it. You can't wait for the perfect moment or the perfect circumstances. You have to take your life into your own hands and take charge of your own narrative. 

So, I started doing this thing where I’d wake up and just decide something good was going to happen. Even when I didn’t fully believe it yet. Sometimes, I’d even fake the energy until it shows up. I stopped trying to be everything for everyone. I started letting things go - expectations, my perfectionism, the pressure to have it all figured out at a particular time or age.

Some days I still feel that void but I’ve stopped letting it run the show. I’ve stopped letting it tell me who I am or what I deserve. 

The functional depression doesn't go away overnight. But you stop letting it be the main character of your story. I stopped living inside it and started living despite it. 

And if you recognize yourself in these words, if you're showing up and functioning and smiling while something in you is quietly breaking - I want you to know it’s not strength. That's just survival. Real strength is deciding to do more than survive. Real strength is saying “I'm going to live” and meaning it.

 You deserve to actually live. And that doesn’t come from someone else fixing you. It comes from you deciding you’re worth the effort. You don't need anyone's permission to take your life back. You just need to decide it's worth fighting for. And believe me, it is. 

Thank you, og. You may not understand why, but I have a hundred reasons. 

Toodles💕